I used to say that my mom hated me but now I see that is way too dramatic. Not just dramatic but inaccurate. Hate requires caring and my mom was too self-involved to hate me. I annoyed her, she resented me is probably the most accurate way to put it.
My mom lived in a constant search for love. He childhood sucked and she had no idea what it looked like. She just new she needed it. She knew my dad didn't love her and was using her for sex but it was close enough. He asked her to marry him as an excuse for missing work because he had been on a drunk. So his family pulled together a makeshift wedding - he got his excuse and mom got married.
I was born two years later. I looked just like my dad and he adored me. As in most families, babies are very well loved in our clan. I wasn't anymore exceptional than anyone else's baby. I was just my dad's first and he was 31 years old. He expressed his love openly, affectionately to me - the way my mom wanted him to express it to her. It didn't happen. I was competition.
It totally sucked to be me in that place where it already sucked to be my mom. My mom didn't know how to receive or give love AND was pissed off that I got what she wanted. It wasn't fair but it just was what it was.
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