Pictures

Today was a weird day. I found out that I still have abandonment issues. National Jewish hospital did a bunch of tests on me and then gave me an appointment 6 weeks out to find out how they came out. It wouldn't be such a biggie except my symptoms that I had when I had kidney cancer are back. National J's benign neglect in even responding to my calls, emails or faxes was killing me. All of a sudden, I was abandoned. The folks that were supposed to care didn't know I existed. I finally got the medical records folks to fax me the results of my tests. It said I had a tumor on my remaining kidney and I needed an MRI.

I called my GP, Dr Jordan, this morning and bless his heart he and his staff got me in for an MRI this afternoon like the radiologist's report recommended. On the way home from the photo shoot I got really upset. I suddenly felt so little and alone. I almost couldn't keep from crying. I stopped by the drs office and basically begged them to let me see him for a minute.

I needed to see and hear someone act like they cared. I needed someone to tell me that they were going to take care of me. Dr Jordan was so kind but he thought I was remembering the previous cancer stuff but it was much older than that...

It was my Mom leaving me alone at every opportunity to be away from me. Leaving me to get 3rd degree burns, attacked by a dog, have a water heater explode on me, beaten up, mocked and degraded...because she couldn't be bothered. She hated that my dad loved me and while I was kept clean and fed, I was never loved by her. Never comforted or held, never protected, never treated like I was anything but a tremendous burden to be avoided.

I've spent so much of my life ready to hide, become invisible, like I did to survive as a child. My mom had terrible rages and I bore the brunt of what she wouldn't take out on my dad. He was a binging alcoholic and that made up the wood for my mom's cross, the one she hung herself on daily. Not to be confused with Christ's cross...Jesus was just a weapon mom used against me.

If it hadn't been for Aunt Paula and Aunt Gladys I would probably hate God thinking it was all His fault. But He took the blame for my mom's actions and the punishments for my reactions and horrible choices.


God, help me get this old picture of desertion out of my head. Help me to see only your constant love and care.